The Art of Fogging
My mom died when she was 53—I was 25 years old at the time. It wasn’t her early departure from this earth that reminds me of how finite time is, it is her lasting wisdom. One lesson she instilled is that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you do or don’t want to do something. After all, it’s your time. To this day, the sage life advice she shared are some of my most vivid memories.
I remember being in high school when she was reading the book, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Manuel J. Smith. I recall being around the house one day with some of my friends when she said, “OK girls, I’m going to teach you how to fog.”
What???
My friends and I couldn’t begin to imagine what she was talking about. She continued, “It’s called fogging.”
Still totally clueless.
She then pulled out the self-help book she was reading and proceeded to inform us that “fogging” is essentially when you swallow up information from another person and instead of countering or giving an explanation, you acknowledge and move on. Consider how difficult it is to counter something if the other person isn’t attacking, but simply absorbing what you’re saying about them. I’ve adapted this over the years to fog a situation where I don’t feel I need to give an explanation. I come up with a short standard line and repeat it over and over until the person stops bugging me.
In my early 20’s I was on a date with a guy who had asked me out to dinner. I met him at the Chart House in Malibu. We had a lovely time. After dinner I said, “Thank you. I had a great time.” I then proceeded to approach my car to go home. He stopped me before I could get into my car and said, “Wait, my apartment is not far. Why don’t you come over for a drink?” Instantaneously, I knew I was going to need to pull out my “fogging” skills.
Me: “Thank you for dinner, I had a great time. I’m going to go home now.”
Him: “Why don’t you come over for one drink?”
Me: “Thank you for dinner. I had a great time. I’m going to go home now.”
Him: “What? Do you have to get up early? It’s not even 10.”
Me: “Thank you for dinner, I had a great time. I’m going to go home now.”
Mr. Annoying: “Just give me one good reason why you can’t come over for a half an hour.”
Me: “Thank you for dinner, I had a great time. I’m going to go home now.”
Mr. Pissed off and annoying: “I don’t get it. It’s just a half hour.”
Me: “Thank you for dinner, I had a great time. I’m going to go home now.”
JackAss: “Yeah, I heard you the previous 20 times you said that. I can’t believe I bought you dinner and this is all I get.”
Me: WHATTTTT? I thought. All I said was, “Thank you for dinner, I had a great time. I’m going to go home now.”
I wonder why he never called for a second date? I had a really nice time.
I have used this scenario with so many of our student-athletes. The point is, you don’t owe anyone more of an explanation for why you do or don’t want to do something except, “I just don’t want to.” I hate it when someone asks me, “Are you free Saturday afternoon?” My first thought is, “I might be and I might not be.” If you want me to meet with Steven Spielberg about producing my Urban Nutcracker, “YES… I’m free the entire day/night whatever.” If you want me to go to dinner with a group of people I’m not interested in hanging out with then I’m busy. And my “busy” will actually be wanting to hang out at home with just my husband. Why do we feel compelled to have to give a “better” excuse. The best most honest excuse is usually, “Thank you for the invite, but I don’t want to.”
It’s your time, don’t be afraid or apologetic to own it.
That’s dialogue described “broken record”…not “fogging”.
Just so you know, the term ‘fogging’ comes from the book: “When I say no, I feel guilty.” by Smith. The technique you are using above is NOT fogging. It is called ‘Broken Record.’ (Also from the same book) Fogging is agreeing with what is being said, but still doing what you want. In your circumstance it would have looked like this: Him: Why won’t you come in? It’s not even 10. You: You’re right. It isn’t even 10. I’m not coming in. Him: I don’t get it. It’s just a half hour. You: You’re right it is just a… Read more »
That wasn’t really fogging though, was it? Fogging’s technique #2. What you employed there was technique #1, ‘Broken Record’ 🙂
Technique 1 or 2, it’s still a brilliant book, full of really useful tips, tricks and insights.
YES YES YES Thank you for clarifying Paul. I read it 40 years ago and that “broken record” technique really hit home with me. I share it with my athletes all the time. It really is a brilliant book. I need to read it again after I get through the small library of books by my bed waiting for my attention. 😉
thank you, miss val! i have come back to read this 4 times now. i declined a board member position at a place i have volunteered for 5 years….simply because i’d like a break and would like to focus on some side projects. the position remains open and i feel guilty when i know i shouldn’t. this reminds me that i don’t owe a longwinded explanation to try to make myself feel better or justify my choice to others. ps – will be cheering for you next saturday!
Absolutely! Sometimes the best reason not to do something is simply “Because I don’t want to.” And thank you for your support!
I need to learn the art of fogging….!
Ahahahahahaha this is going to be good. Please let us all know how it goes when you engage in your first “fogging” mission.
Hmmm… I’ve honestly never thought about this before but I kind of like it. I am pretty good at not doing what I don’t want to but I always feel the need to explain why. I think it would be pretty liberating to not feel the need to explain. I will have to remember to try this one out!
Let us know how it goes!
I have never heard of this!…in the sense of “fogging.” I did take a class once (in LA of course) that taught this concept – they had a volunteer participant come on stage and they offered pretend ice cream- “Chocolate- Vanilla…choose” The person would pick their favorite, “chocolate!” The instructor would respond “Why?” And every time the participant would give a reason/excuse. “Because I prefer chocolate- it is my favorite.” They instructor would repeat the question “Chocolate-Vanilla…choose.” Of course they would say chocolate again and be asked why again and they would come up with a different reason/excuse. Again and… Read more »
I love that ice cream story. Such an empowering lesson.